Written for The Rago by Sarah Coe and Elizabeth Myers

On Saturday, April 1st, Stockton Literature student, Argo editor-in-chief, and local Austin Powers lookalike Elizabeth Myers was struck in a nearly-fatal hit-and-run accident on Vera King Farris Drive at 10 a.m. Campus officials have identified the vehicle involved as a silver 2013 Toyota Corolla, but the suspected driver remains at large.

Witnesses described the incident as “baffling” and “cartoonish in nature.” One bystander, Victoria Orlowski, commented that “it was the strangest thing I had ever witnessed. She bounced on the pavement, like, seven times before she landed in that pine tree. I think she was also on fire at one point? Is she good? Do you guys know?”

Medical personnel at AtlantiCare Regional Medical Center (ARMC) in Pomona, NJ, confirm that Myers is, in fact, not good. However, despite having sustained severe injuries from the neck down, doctors say that she has maintained her self-proclaimed “impish charm.”

“Every time I go in there to check her vitals, she screams ‘Liz Lore!’ and trauma-dumps on me for 45 minutes. I’m considering putting her on a ventilator if this keeps up,” said one nurse. 

In a seemingly unrelated string of tweets (featured below) released the same day, Sarah Coe, a Stockton resident and co-editor-in-chief of Stockpot Literary Magazine alongside Myers and Orlowski, stated that she had hit something “on all fours,” later advising students to “stay safe” after hearing the news of Myers’s accident.

The Rago reached out to Coe for further commentary, but initially received no response. She has since replied, claiming she was taking her “government-mandated eepy leave” and is unsure how her accident and the issue surrounding Myers relate. 

When asked if Coe would have any reason to potentially commit the attempted vehicular manslaughter of Myers, Orlowski responded “Well, Sarah has been mad at Liz for a while over not answering the Stockpot E-board group chat. But she’s also a shit driver, so it’s hard to say.”

Stockton Campus police are currently looking into the case, but are unable to release any information about the ongoing investigation at this time. Those with information about the incident are encouraged to call them immediately.