In 2020, Oxford University was ranked the world’s number one university for the fifth year in a row. Here in our corner of the Pine Barrens, Stockton with its ever-growing ambitions decided that this was five years too many. Why should Oxford steal all the glory?

With recent funds granted by the state due to pandemic losses, the Board of Trustees has decided to pool the university’s money across the pond. By September 2021, just in time for the fall semester, Stockton University will purchase Oxford and change its name to Osprey University. In addition to the acquisition, Stockton and ex-Oxford (now Osprey) officials will use student tuition for the sole purpose of constructing six new science wings, three ice rinks, a sushi bar, and a power plant.

“We need to change it up from being a green school,” said an official from the Board of Trustees on Friday. “We wanted to own a power plant, and England’s resources have been in use for centuries, so it won’t matter if our power plant pollutes their air. Just as long as we don’t have to see it here in Galloway.”

Current students must apply to the Office of Global Engagement to enroll in Osprey University for the fall 2021 semester. The deadline is Thursday, April Fool’s Day.