Written for The Rago by Conor Wasneuski.

Due to the increased budget cuts and pressure to be more healthy in America, Stockton University has both lost the license for Dunkin’ Donuts and banned coffee on campus. This has led to outrage amongst students who use coffee every day to have the energy to get to class. Likely without coffee in the morning, student attendance will drop by 50% according to the Hughes Center for Public Policy. 

Here, sophomore student Abigail Dover says her opinion about the policy change: “This university has somehow gone below my expectations!” 

Following the decision, some students have decided to camp outside the former Dunkin’ location in the Campus Center Coffee House, chanting “You take our coffee, we are going to Rowan!” Rowan University in a surprising move has started to take so-called “coffee refugees” from Stockton, even offering free coffee for all students who transfer over. 

Worse yet, Stockton administrators have decided to double down out of an “abundance of fairness” and have begun doing dorm checks for coffee grounds on campus. Resident Assistants will be doing weekly rounds to make sure that no students have Keurig machines or coffee makers. If students are found with said items, the punishment would be a week in the Talon’s costume during a game. 

15 students have already been scheduled to become Talon the Osprey during the upcoming girls’ volleyball game. Although, concerns have been brought to the Rago editorial staff about if a flock of ospreys will distract the players during the match. The head of intramural sports at Stockton, Melanie Sawyer, said she “welcomes students to drink coffee so that finally Talon can become alive.”

Apparently, not enough students could stand being in the costume for more than 15 minutes once they realized it hadn’t been washed since Housing 2 and 3 were built.