Written for “The Rago” by Ryan Connelly

Stockton University’s parking was awarded “Best in State” by the New Jersey Parking Alliance last Wednesday, beating three other universities in a competition that was held in a dilapidated shack by a swamp.

The ballot featured three universities: Stockton, Rowan, and Rutgers, respectively. All three of these universities are known statewide for their very accommodating parking facilities.

“This is a tremendous honor, and I’m sure we’re going to take this prize money and invest in some state-of-the-art parking meters,” said Kyle Brunch, Chief of Parking Denial at Stockton University. “We’re all just very impish and whimsical about this.”

As The Rago was interviewing Brunch, he was given a parking ticket by Stockton Parking Enforcement, who traveled to the undisclosed shack to take the joy of others. A brawl broke out, and Brunch decreed that he was now a “rogue agent.” He disappeared via swamp. 

Stockton’s long history of parking availability has been relatively uncontroversial, as Stockton has continued to support their Ospreys with quality options of where to park. Outside of Lot 1 disappearing into the void, there are so many places to park on campus.  Among the plethora of options, many students choose, of their own volition, to park in far corners of the campus. 

“We’re so happy that students take initiative to voluntarily park far away from the classrooms,” said Ronnie Breakfast, Director of Housing and Fungal Invasions. “What other reason are students taking fifteen-minute hikes to their classes? It can’t be due to any outside forces.”

For more information, don’t.

Happy April Fool’s Day from The Argo! 🙂